The Level of Intimacy Depends on the Level of Self-disclosure

"I have called you friends, because I have told you everything I have heard from my Father" (Jn 15:15)

 In the background of the 15th Chapter of St. John's Gospel

Intimacy in a relationship grows or depends on the level of self-disclosure. If there is no self-disclosure, relationship does not grow or any sort of communication takes place. Friendship is a dialogue and not a monologue. The friend understands the other on the basis of the sharing that takes place. In the Gospel Jesus speaks of the relationship between a master and the servant. The servant does not have the whole picture of what the master thinks. To give you a full understanding of who God is to you and me, Jesus says, "I no longer call you slaves, because a slave does not know what his master is doing." Friendship is a mutual knowing based on intimacy and love. Intimacy is personal. Jesus' friendship with you and me is very personal - "It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit that will remain.."

If you look at friendship today, there is a tendency to remain anonymous and aloof. There is even a fear of being intimate. The word 'friend' just becomes a mere term in a social networking site. Or rather the modern day friendship is based on the mutual benefits that friends can derive from each other. Aristotle described three kinds of friendship long ago. It has relevance even today.

1. Friendship of Utility: In this kind of friendship, the affection that unite people is based on the mutual benefit. Each person gets something out of the friendship that is to his or her advantage. Here I am not concerned about a deep self-disclosure but I am looking out to get something out of the other person. For instance, I had a technician who used to maintain the RO (reverse Osmosis) system. He convinced me that he could take on Annual Maintenance at a lower prize. In fact, he kept a very good functional relationship, very pleasing. What I needed was a lower cost maintenance which he gave me. What he needed was money. The servicing was done but I found out that he was only doing 'Juggaad' without any incurring of expense and keep the system functioning. Once the trick was found out, the relationship was broken. So this friendship was based on utility.
2. Pleasant Friendship:It is based on the pleasure that one gets out of this relationship. In this type of relationship, one sees the friend as a cause of some pleasure for himself or herself.
3. Virtuous Friendship: This friendship is not based on self-interests but the two friends unite themselves in the pursuit of a common goal. The common goal places a demand on the friendship.

When Jesus says, "You are my friends if you do what I command you," He says it with a condition - to do what he commands: Love one another. The friendship that Jesus prescribes is based on LOVE, not self-interests or mutual benefits. The highest form of friendship is defined by the sacrificial nature of his love for humanity - laying down his life. How do you get to grow to that stature of Christ to the point of sacrificing life. He gives a clue. He says, "I have called you friends, because I have told you everything I have heard from my Father." Here is the point - The level of intimacy depends on the level of self-disclosure. Jesus does not keep anything for himself. He reveals everything. To become aware of your/my level of intimacy it is good to consider the five levels of intimacy explained by Fr. Keith Klark, in his book, "Being Sexual and Celibate":

1. The lowest level of self-disclosure is the communication of data about myself. If I do not reveal the basic facts about myself, there is no knowledge, no relationship. The People of the time of Jesus knew him as one born in Nazareth, a carpenter's son, etc.
2. Intimacy to grow to a slightly higher level, one needs to disclose ones opinion, especially what one thinks about something or someone. Jesus raises the level of the intimacy of the disciples when He asks them the question - Who do you say that I AM? Peter expresses the commonly held opinion and also his personal opinion - You are the Christ.
3. The Next level of intimacy is the expression of feelings. Here I reveal what something means to me. Jesus says, "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete." Jesus longs that you and I are united to him like the Vine and the branches. So he expresses his feelings.
4. Another higher level of self-disclosure is the level of attitudes. It falls under the realm of decisions. In fact, attitudes are decisions I have made about the way life is or the way it ought to be. An attitude has the combination of both the opinion and feeling. Prejudice is an attitude. For example, in the Acts of the Apostles, Chapter 15, we come to know that there was a difference of opinion with regard to the gentiles who became Christians. The pharisees insisted that they be circumcised. Reading into the text, though I am not allowed, there must have been feelings of superiority and inferiority. Paul and Barnabas disagreed. The Jerusalem Council took place. When you sincerely disclose, even your hidden prejudices becomes apparent. If you have an attitude that life is gracious, you will express gratitude and appreciation.
5. The highest level of self-disclosure is the level of faith. It is the most difficult to communicate directly. This is perhaps the reason why Jesus showed it by shedding his blood on the Cross. Even though Jesus predicted his death, the disciples did not get what he meant. Even though he wanted to be always present with them, the disciples did not understand what he meant at the last supper. But they understood later.

Abraham was called the friend of God. Why? St. James in his letter tells us, "You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by the works. thus the scripture was fulfilled that says, 'Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness, and he was called 'the friend of God' (Js 2:22,23).