Who and what influenced me in my own way of thinking?
A sense of wonder inherent in everyone which makes one curious to explore is what makes me still wonder. Take the example of peeling an onion. Each time you take off the layer at each peel there still remains another layer to be peeled off. This goes on till you come to the end of finding finite nothingness of the already peeled onion. The finite reality is limited. Then how much more is the infinite vastness of the infinitely real? I can name my thinking as “Through the eyes to memory.”
One of my strong influences on my thinking was my own experience of curiosity and that of exploring. I was a small little fellow who asked my mother whether I can go on top of the mountain and touch the sun. For me sun was a distant reality as I was being aware of where I was. I wondered, hoping that I would touch the sun one day. This remained till one day that profoundly changed my outlook. It was in Sandakpu (one of the highest peak in the Everest mountain ranges), I got a chance to deepen the awareness, the nearer you go, and the farther is the reality. There is a wide gap between where you stand and where the sun stands. Bible says, “You shall worship the lord of creation in spirit and truth.” what is worship? What is truth?
My curiosity was also lit by my brother, when in travelling in the bus, I used to look out and see the trees running (this makes me conclude that all ephemeral realities are slippery by nature and susceptible to change). When I sit in a train that is still and when I see the other train moving, I often felt as if the train in which I am sitting is really moving. Hence I need to distinguish between the seemingly real and the real.
A clash of questioning between my real self and the ideal self creates an existential tension. And a healthy tension is always necessary.
My memory picks up an image of a murdered man on the roadside, in a gutter, with five rupees note stuck on his butt. I was just like a passive onlooker passing by hurriedly to get to school. There are many things involved in this murder.
Drunkenness and loss of sense: the murdered man seems to have drunk heavily and got off the bus in the next stop other than the actual stop. Fate had arranged the meeting with his enemies. His limbs could hardly move, because of the anesthetic effect of the drinks on him. He was witness to another murder in front of his privately owned restaurant (as rumors spread those days – a reason for his non-existence.) Perhaps, this led to his own extinction in the similar fashion.
If I am to write a crime novel (I would perhaps trace the pattern of signs: the first victim of murder succumbed to death by having hit by an iron rod on the head. This time ‘Scaria’ was hit on the head with a stone. The question of being-in-the-world with others is a real question. As long as I have eyes I see unless I choose not to see. Is witnessing a crime a mistake when you happened to be there? (Being a passive onlooker by the mere fact of being there). If the criminal senses a sense of threat when he is seen by anyone, he is caught by the inescapable watching eyes. He concludes, “The other is a threat, hence elimination is necessary to feel secure.” The one who murders lives a horrendous torturous existence. He is taunted day and night by his own remorse, guilt and the incapacity of lifting himself up. He is confused and murders himself- his experience of his taunting existence is now more murderous than the act of murder. The murderer and the murdered are victims. The murderer is the victim of his faulty conscience and the murdered is the external victim of the action of the murderer.
The murderer lives in a society and has to be a law-abiding citizen. Who has the right over the life of others? He has definitely broken the harmony of the natural laws within him, around him and at large those of the society. Is an escape to freedom possible for this man? He flees like the wandering Cain, when his brother’s blood cries out to the creator from the ground. The nature is a silent witness to all that happens.
Man the wanderer, failing to find favour in the eyes of the mighty, the society and the anguished members of the family, absconds, loses his meaning in life. Can he be back? It is Difficult. Public opinion and their image of him is colored by the facts of his acts. There are people who change, picking up the pieces of brokenness and assuring themselves- “let me start again.”
“Eyes of the media” is almost inescapable these days. “A piece of news is like a morsel of bread”- yet this is done for a living, sometimes or often to create sensationalism that of the “muktab” (evening newspaper in a town nearby my own native place) with headlines “Scariyaye konna cheriyaan olivil (cherian who killed scaria absconds).
Those days of my blooming existence could not but capture the occasional instances of crime, murder, political agitation (with the policy of ‘return’ even in murder). Ripper Chandran, a mysterious man who breaks into any house, any place could enact the scene of a mass murder in a systemic or patterned way.
News flashed on stealth, my neighbors found guilty. It was a planned stealing. The man returns from the bank late evening with some solid amount, two of them notices it and follows him. It grew dark, there was no torch, no light with him; and on the spur of the moment, they push him, snatch the bag and quickly take to heels. The man who is pushed away shouts for help and spots the places to which they ran. He followed them for quite some time and lost the track since the two men ran away to two distinct places. He files FIR and the investigation begins the next day. Policemen arrive with their dog. I was curious to watch what will happen, how the traces of the men are found (a shoe thrown on the roadside). The ‘police dog’ loses the trace at the stream. But later the two men in the neighborhood were found missing. One left his wife and four children never to return (he was a carpenter by profession), the other man was arrested, confessed his mistake and later got off. He could no longer stay in his countryside, so he married a Muslim girl, and went away from the scene on the pages of history and the rising minds of the new generation of the young.
‘Koodotram’ (Black magic) was also prevalent. I used to wonder. I remember one day our buffalo was dying. There was holy water hung on the roof of the shed ensuring protection from the evil forces. When our ‘eruma’(domestic buffalo) was seriously ill I was asked by my mother to go to the church and burn candles and pray for the well being of the buffalo. I did light the candles and prayed very fast and came back.
Consulting a priest was necessary for my mother. And she went and really found out the culprits involved in the theft in the house of my uncle (the culprit was the brother of my aunty though they never spoke about it).
I lived together with my Hindu-Muslim friends. And I being a Christian did not consider my religion as the superior religion in the world. I attended Hindu festivals like ‘vishu’, ‘onam’, ‘navaratri’, etc. I got ‘payasam’ on ‘ramsan’. And noticed that they were very faithful to the fasts and prayers. I even got a chance to be present in an event where, “they were going on pilgrimage to Hajj”. This ceremony was great. I liked the way, “how they greet each other” and even asking for forgiveness from the domestic animals (the aspect of being in harmony with nature). It is a great thing to die in Mecca – something very holy. I cherish the function of my friend’s going to Sabarimala (a pilgrimage centre for the Hindus).
The concept of freedom.
I believe in the inner freedom and am convinced like Viktor Frankl that no one can take away your freedom of choosing my attitude towards anything, any situation or persons even in an unalterable event.
The concept of man
Man is a curious wanderer, ready to explore. He/she naturally tends towards the fullness of being and constantly moves towards the supra-meaning which one may call as God.
It is in a chaotic condition of being human that I seek clarity and meaning. Philosophers have said that nothing is in the intellect that was not first in the senses: Nihil est in intellectu, quod prius non fuerit in sensu. I am a bodily human being with special language of its own. When I am fatigued I feel the weight of my body, when the body is ill the other dimensions of my body is invariably affected except the fact that I can fight the illness with a bold attitude of courage and the will to live and find meaning even in suffering. Knowledge comes through my body. The changes in my body in the different stages of growth forces my curious nature to understand the mystery of my being, while still I continue to be in a stage of wonderment.
Human progress is possible only in experiencing confusion and chaos, because chaos precedes order. Man is a curious wanderer in search for meaning. We all move to that awareness while confronting such questions as- who am I? Who is He (God)? Why am I? Why this physicality of my being and the limitation of it which do not allow me to be what I am. But transcending this human condition is possible through faith and love. Faith in a God who is hidden in the chaotic experiences of lived history, faith in the found meanings longing for its expression in the future and in an unseen presence that goes before you with the assurance of SOMEONE-WITH-YOU/ME/US.
Young people of today
Young of today are difficult to handle as they are the products of the traumatic time they live in. some of them have wounded past (some later having processed this experience turn out to be wounded healers and those who don’t become predators). Some others are under authoritative parents, in working condition under someone, etc. Anyone who is interested in the well being of the young need to be either experienced or professionally qualified in handling or attending to them. They are by nature liberal in thinking, they like easy way of doing things or getting things done. (this is very visible in the studies they do – have fun, when exams near, Xerox class notes, even lead them to use unfair means, browse internet – partly because knowledge is accessible at a stone’s throw). They avoid (except few who are exceptionally motivated at young age to live responsibly) a slight inconvenience or little pain. They conform themselves under peer pressure to the values and behaviors not healthy for their age. This is because they take time to establish themselves or to move from the infantile dependency through independence to interdependence.
They need acceptance and love. And if the educator himself has not met these needs, the students may fall victims of his/her narcissistic tendency – dominion and acceptance of what you seem to impose. It also takes time from the part of the educator to understand the young sufficiently if one is not open to the changing times of the young. If one judges them in an anachronistic way, there comes to existence ‘a generation gap’ and the ‘defying nature’ of the young increases even more rapidly. This may even lead to an outright denial of moral, religious and traditional values.
The perceptions do matter. Youngsters should be perceived as individual persons, having their own history that should be revered and respected, if need be to be purified.
Being human and having brought up in a religious background any one can tend to be religious (not scrupulously religious, but a seasoned way of looking at things). This religious bend gives the awareness – “you did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you.”
Human Nature
Human nature is always vulnerable. But the strong inherent spiritual dimension in you makes the vulnerability a strength to empathize with another. Though it is said that the human nature is the same always and everywhere, we have to accept the fact that there is nothing permanent except change. By change, I mean the behavioural and attitudinal change that makes man either the victim of his thoughts, victims of the action of the other or a master making his own life meaningful.
A Victim: In infancy you need the help of others to address your needs. One suddenly finds oneself thrown in the world of the adults (who themselves do not know who they are, some are driven by negative impulses of emotions, passions, etc or they themselves have been victims and grew to be perpetrators). As you grow up you are vulnerable to be manipulated by the elders even to the extent of your trust in them being betrayed. And there is a chance of the manipulated becoming the manipulator in the future because of the deep-seated anger because you are denied of the basic right to be a human person. There is a hunger for being loved, affirmed and cared for. To remain a victim is the saddest part of human life but accepting the reality of being a victim and the attitude towards such ‘being-in-state’ can be overcome when one considers that what have been is also a kind of being. What is past is not irrevocably lost but irrevocably stored in order to make it a resource for being well in being and move towards creating meanings for ones meaningful existence. (Adapted from Viktor Frankl)
A Master - steward
Human being is also a master. When I heard such scripts as “ithente thalayezhuthanu”(the fate is written on my forehead – a literal translation from malayalam), I almost believed that I can’t do anything on my own to change situations except to succumb to the fact of being destined. If one holds a view of ‘destined to be’ the attitude towards life would be drastic, and the life would be torturous when you are in conflict with your own value system, assumptions and outlooks towards life. For instance, if a woman is married to a drunkard (especially in the case of arranged marriages), she can say that it is her fate to live with such a man. If she continues to mourn or brood over the fact that her husband is a drunkard, due to which attitude she will be victimized by her own thoughts and those thoughts will make her susceptible to remain in the prison of her own thoughts. This is hyper reflection. (Mention the nature of collectivity in Indian context)
When the attention given on one’s life and its experiences however negative and traumatic, is shifted to others’ uniqueness with their own historicity (it usually takes time, a lot of reflection, self-distancing and guidance) an optimistic future is at your door step. Since the future is unknown to me and known to the Timeless Presence alone, I begin to live responsibly committing myself to the meaning of the moment. The whole attitude of ‘destined to be’ vanishes when the following conviction dawns: “I am created, I do not remain in the passive state of being created. My ability to transcend and the inherent tendency to move towards the Invisible Presence draws me to be a co-creator (through my progeny, creative and meaningful tasks, love) sharing in the responsibility of sustaining what has been, what is and what is yet to be. This makes me a responsible steward.” The reason to be me is in the fact that “I am because HE IS”.
Seeing is important in being a master-steward. We are as we come to see and as that seeing becomes enduring in our intentionality. We do not come to see, however, just by looking but by training our vision through the metaphors and symbols that constitute our central convictions. How we come to see therefore is a function of how we come to be since our seeing necessarily is determined by how our basic images are embodied by the self – i.e., in our character. (Taken from Peterson’s “Under the Unpredictable Plant”).
